An Introductory Guide On How To Be Like the Bulows
(Using Their Year in 2018 as a Guide)
Step 01:
- On the coldest day of the year, rent a hundred-year-old building to host a seminar on a topic from your curriculum, such as the Tabernacle. Invite everyone you can think of and prepare enough food for all of them.
Step 02:
- Have the husband do something special for his wife on Valentines Day, like serve her a fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant.
- Afterward, he should send her, along with a van packed full of teenagers, on an 8-hour drive to an American Girl Doll store. (Be forewarned: after four hours of travel, she may decide to ditch the teens at a youth Bible conference in Fargo and continue on her way in relative peace and quietness.)
Step 03:
- During the whole month of March, it is wise for the husband to keep his wife as stress-free as possible.
Step 04:
- Send the oldest teen in the house to Drivers Ed. This should lull the mother into thinking that the teen is at least semi-prepared for her license (Do not let the mother see the instructor’s car after said teen has spent two hours in it.).
- For bonus points, host another seminar in the same hundred-year-old building. Invite all the same friends. It is permissible to have others aid in the food preparation.
Step 05:
- When Spring arrives, start a garden. Use the excuse of dirt accumulation to coerce children into taking showers again.
- Additionally, arrange to brand calves for a couple of days with your friends in Montana (if you don’t have any, it is permissible to borrow friends).
Step 06:
- In June, it will be your oldest daughter’s birthday. Celebrate by going to a wedding. Extra credit: bring a miniature horse to the wedding and sell it to someone from out west.
- Spend the next three weeks hauling your kids to and from camps. Bonus points if the camp has a root-beer lake.
Step 07:
- Spend a few days at home packing for a week at the Wisconsin Dells with the wife’s family. Bonus if her father covers the cost of lodging. Double bonus if you can lose the kids by making them ride a boat over both land and water.
- On the way home, take a week-long detour to Appleton, WI and enroll the kids in another camp. Bonus if the camp has a large pool with a huge unicorn floatie.
Step 08:
- To eradicate any lingering chills from all the swimming, take the kids primitive camping and hiking in the Badlands on the two hottest days of the year. Bonus if the temps reach above 105°F. Optional: grant the kids a break by taking them to the outdoor Medora Musical with their friends.
Step 09:
- Teach the kids that success is sweeter after a couple failures. Take a couple of them (like Ethan and Riana) deer hunting, but don’t let them get anything until the very last day of the season. Then have them shoot more than 9,540 inches (or 265 yds) to bag their deer. Extra credit: Find some poison ivy.
Step 10:
- In October, do something scary, like let your oldest child get her driver’s license. Escalate your trauma by letting her drive. Out of your sight. By herself.
- Publish a book. Include an Easter egg in the cover photo. Bonus: include 4 of them.
- Go to a corn maze. Extra credit if your youngest daughter talks you into buying her a pet rabbit.
Step 11:
- In a weak moment, let the oldest son get a gerbil (However, make him pay for the accessories – it can be considered beneficial for his character).
- Let your second-oldest child obtain her driver’s permit. Bonus if there’s already ice on the roads.
- Celebrate an early Thanksgiving feast with your husband’s extended family. Extra points if his fall harvest included venison.
Step 12:
- Take a few days to bake roughly 3000 cookies in your best friends house. (Note: expel the kids outside to the barn with the horses before you lose your sanity.)
- Wrap up your year with a 12-hour drive down to Iowa to experience an annual miracle – seeing the state without any corn sprouting up from the ground.
- Finally, have yourself a Merry Christmas by celebrating with friends and family!