2013 Christmas Letter (of sorts)
Annual Progress Report
Report Date: December 15, 2013
By (Name, Title): Toby, M.U.T.T.
Body Of Report: Firstly, allow me to apologize for the funky paper – this is all I can find in the kennel. Apparently all the official letterhead paper was accidentally used up as lining on floor – let me hasten to add that it wasn’t put there for the reason you think it was. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t for who you might think. I mean, it was for me, but it wasn’t all my fault. I mean, it was me wetting on the floor, but I didn’t use up all the newspaper AND letterhead, at least not by myself. There were others involved, as I will proceed to demonstrate in this Annual Report.
In January of this year, I was tasked with training the youngest member of the human family (called Titus) in the proper techniques of watering bushes, trees, and fire hydrants. Many weeks worth of newspapers were consumed in the process (contributing to the shortage of paper mentioned above). Progress has been mixed. He no longer needs newspapers, but he has not yet mastered the leg-lifting maneuver. His bad habit of polluting the drinking water in the vitreous china drinking bowl has proven difficult to break. There is evidence that the human parents are actually encouraging this disgusting behavior, but I haven’t been able to prove anything yet.
In April there was a disturbing development that arose from that bad habit the youngest human girl (called Danielle) had developed which involved bringing Cat into the house to “play”, usually for only a few hours at a time. However, during one of those incursions the nefarious creature slipped away from Danielle and, crawling under the boy’s bed, started producing slimy Kittens. Many newspapers were consumed during this time, but I was under considerable amount of stress during my lobbying efforts to have Cat removed from the house. Besides, the kittens used up almost as many newspapers as I did. After a month and a half of dedicated lobbying by yours truly, both Cat and Kittens were finally evicted from the house.
On two separate occasions this year, the oldest girl (called Larissa) captured and attempted to raise a wild young bunny, cottontail variety. It took me awhile to understand her purpose in doing this, but I finally figured out it was to provide me with rabbit steaks! Unfortunately, the first bunny did not live beyond a few days, but she perfected her milk and eye-dropper feeding technique and the second bunny grew to almost steak size. However, about this time the supply of newspapers was really starting to dwindle. Something about the thought of rabbit steak can really make a dog drool, but the bunnies used their fair share too. To conserve the remaining paper, it was decided allow the rabbit to go into the wild after extracting a solemn oath to return after it is full grown. Of course, we didn’t disclose the purpose for which we wanted its return, so there is no reason for it not to keep the oath. I can’t wait!
In the miniature pony department, the mare decided to produce another foal, just like last year. I didn’t see any point in having two foals around, so I arranged to have last year’s foal sold. Horses take up too much of the human’s time anyhow. The second girl (called Riana), has spent hours trying to teach them to lead and to carry her around. Naturally, I helped out as best I could, barking out tons of good advice in how to train these creatures to not be so jumpy. My efforts were nearly thwarted when the mare told Riana that my advice was worse than useless and even talked her into tying me up when she with the horses. Undaunted, I continued to bark out advice and I’m happy to say the training has progressed quite well. It was a moment of real pride when they rode the mare outside the pasture and up to the grandparent’s house.
The older boy (called Ethan) obtained a pet for the summer. The male human parent said it was an ‘intern’. I never did quite figure out what it actually was. It looked like a human boy but smelled like an asparagus. Ethan named it ‘Micah Perez’. The male parent kept it most of the day, I think for training, and brought it home each night so Ethan could play with him. The two of them would spend many evening hours chasing and kicking one of those dalmatian type balls. I was under the impression that the training was going well, but for some reason they decided to send it back for more schooling (I assume obedience school).
Human Absences: In April both human parents were gone for a week for the male parent’s training. While they were gone, the parents of the female parent took charge of feeding the little humans and changing their litter boxes. After that, the whole family was gone for a long weekend to Wisconsin where the male parent provided training for young humans out of a big black book.In June the male parent was absent for a week with his brothers to the boundary water wilderness in northern Minnesota. During this time the rest of the family went to the kennel where the female parent lived while a puppy, down in Iowa.In July the whole family was gone for another long weekend to the Turtle Mountains in North Dakota to a gathering of the male parent’s extended pack. Later that same moon cycle, the female parent took Larissa and Riana to a one week young pup summer training camp.
Human Health: The female parent went in for a five year lump check up. The results were negative, which was a positive. Otherwise it was the normal sicknesses, runny noses, scrapes and owwies.
I do apologize for the crudeness of this year’s letter. Lish wanted me to write the Christmas letter this year and I had it all done and ready to go, but then the dog ate it. I made him write a new one as I didn’t have time to do it myself. I can only hope it is true and accurate without to many spelling mitsakes.
